


New Balance

by violethoure666



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo is super Religous, Brainwashing, F/M, Fundamentalism, Fundamentalist Christian Ben, Gaslighting, Han and Leia don’t get it, I try to handle this delicately, Manipulation, Mega Churches, Verbal Abuse, Witch Rey, all from Snoke to Ben, cult like devotion, god is here he just doesn’t live in snoke’s House, it’s not about religion being bad at all, snoke runs a bad church, touchy subjects around God
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-01-24 13:11:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18572167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violethoure666/pseuds/violethoure666
Summary: Fundamentalist Christian Ben Solo really wants to save Rey Johnson, the self proclaimed Witch who works for his father.Rey Johnson might end up saving Ben Solo instead.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> This is work was inspired by [this post](https://twitter.com/bazineapologist/status/1118037075087855616?s=21) on Twitter. I saw it and my brain just sort of ran away. 💕 
> 
> HUGE THANKS to Liv aka Rad because without her I’d be lost and she’s put a lot of work into this too. 
> 
> This was really fun to write because I am a practicing Witch myself. The fic is just about complete, and is just over 10k words. I will have it all up in the next few days!

Ben Solo finds God when he is fifteen years old.

 

He’s always been a shitty kid, in and out of the principals office, detention, community service. 

 

His parents can’t seem to get a hold on him. 

 

So when his principle suggests Bible camp, his vaguely Jewish, mostly atheist parents sort of shrug it off. Ben thinks it sounds better than boot camp, but his opinion doesn’t matter right now, since he just spray-painted the big wall outside his history classroom.

 

“The camp is an outreach program by a church called  _ God’s First Order _ and I know the man who runs it,” his principal continues. “Thomas Snoke, he’s a good man and the church is a major healing place for folks of a certain class. Plus the youth congregation is big, full of kids just like Ben who have a big hearts and no direction. Let him try the summer and see how it goes.”

 

His father concedes first.

 

His mother eventually relents, but she is convinced he will call her, begging to be picked up within days. 

 

He doesn’t. 

 

He writes a letter two weeks in about how he has decided to get saved. That’s all they hear from him the entire summer.

 

~~~

 

Camp is transformative. Ben changes, a caterpillar in a cocoon. 

 

Pastor Snoke is an attractive man in his fifties who explains original sin and why everyone needs to be saved, how each of us are born wicked and how in today’s high paced, fast technology world there are more opportunity to sin than ever.

 

He tells Ben how special he is, pulls him aside to take walks and talk scripture and he  _ looks _ at Ben so intensely, tell him so seriously that he knows he was chosen, that God told him Ben was coming, that he would be the one to follow behind him and lead one day. 

 

Ben is hooked. 

 

When Pastor Snoke tells Ben that the reason he did all those bad things is because he is sick, and twisted, and awful inside, this makes sense too. 

 

“I can fix you,” he whispers. “With Jesus’s light and your faith, we can dig the rot out of you. Is that what you want? Are you ready, Benjamin?”

 

Ben totally is.

 

By the time he comes home at the end of summer he loves camp and he loves Pastor Snoke and he loves Jesus. 

 

He joins youth group on Tuesday and Thursday nights. He goes to church every Sunday. He works alongside Snoke coming up with ways to expand the congregation and preach love to everyone, to  _ save them.  _

 

Because that’s what they’re doing.  _ Saving lives. Saving souls.  _ It’s important work, and Ben has been called to do it by something bigger than himself. 

 

For the first time in his life he thinks he knows peace. 

  
  


_ Ten Years Later  _

  
  


Ben doesn’t come home that often these days. He moved out for college a few years ago and lived nearby in a little studio apartment before he graduated. 

 

For a while he’s so busy with school and church and then when school ends he gets  _ really _ busy with church, working directly under Pastor Snoke. 

 

It pays really well, too. Well enough that Ben is able to get a bigger, nicer apartment. 

 

Nothing like Snoke’s house. He has a sprawling mansion uptown. 

 

Ben’s place is okay, though. It has everything he needs, and therefore he has very little reason to leave unless he is working. 

 

Or, occasionally, going by his parents’ place. 

 

When his car starts making a whining sound he figures he can kill two birds with one stone. His father runs an auto shop out of their  garage, has ever since before Ben was born. 

 

He rings the doorbell, bouncing on the balls of his feet. 

 

He came straight here from a meeting with Snoke, going over attendance and donation records, and he’s hoping he can keep the entire visit to under an hour so he can go home and watch Jeopardy. 

 

“Ben!” His mom looks so surprised and delighted to see him that he feels bad. He should come by more, he  _ knows _ he should, but Snoke doesn’t like him spending time with his parents, knows they don’t want what’s best for him.

 

So he just feels  _ weird _ when he’s home. The fact that his parents are so blunt about their feelings about Jesus and Snoke and  _ anything _ he’s into while at their house makes him uncomfortable. They treat it all like a joke, or worse, like some kind of cult. 

 

Once, Leia breaks down in tears, insisting that Ben has been brainwashed. 

 

He stays away for six months that time. 

 

“I’m so glad you’re here, I’m making pot roast,” his mom says. 

 

“I actually don’t think I can stay for dinner this time—just wanted to see if dad could look at my car?” 

 

“Sure, sure, but stay for dinner also,” Leia says, leading him into the kitchen. It smells really good.  “He’s out back,” she nods at the back door and Ben awkwardly shuffles past his mom and outside. 

 

“Dad?” he calls out, poking his head into the garage, a big barn he uses now as a workshop.

 

He looks down at a scraping sound to see a pair of legs, and they are  _ not _ his father's. 

 

Slim, tan, covered in tattoos—  he sees the head of a goat and a crying ghost and the words “it was lit” on a tombstone before he realizes the legs are attached to a body and the body is—  _ nice _ . You know, good looking, he supposes, just like the face attached to the body which is also  _ wow _ . 

 

He looks away, blushing. 

 

This girl is gorgeous, and she looks kind of scary. Her arms are also covered in tattoos: he can see a moon cycle going up one and words in a language he doesn’t recognize, a pink crystal, an alien smoking a joint, a spider, a rat, more symbols. 

 

She has bright hazel eyes and dark auburn hair and she’s wearing choker necklace. Other than that it’s a T-shirt for some metal band he’s never heard of, jeans shorts and black boots. 

 

“Sorry, I’m— where is my dad?” 

 

“He’s out back, he should be here in a minute.” She’s wiping her hands on a clean rag. “You must be Ben?” 

 

“Yes. Sorry, I am. I am Ben.” He sticks a hand out, hopes it’s not  _ so _ sweaty, is sure it is. 

 

“I’m Rey,” she says, gripping his hand. “Like R-E-Y. Johnson.” 

 

“Pretty,” Ben says. 

 

Rey smiles at him and he feels his ears get hot. 

 

“They talk about you all the time,” she says. “Your dad tells me you’re uh— really busy with church.” 

 

She doesn’t sound mocking, just surprised maybe, she must be if she knows his dad, wonders how someone like Han could have a son like— well. 

 

Rey is looking him up and down, he’s suddenly very conscious of his clothing, how totally dorky he looks next to her. He’s in khaki pants with a blue polo shirt tucked in and a tan belt. He has white New Balance sneakers on his feet. He has a new watch, a gift from Snoke, it looks expensive. He’s sure it is.

 

“Yeah,” Ben says, awkward.

 

“That’s cool,” Rey says with a shrug.

 

“Oh, are you a Christian?” Ben asks, and he realizes how totally hopeful he sounds. It’s pathetic. But if she is a Christian it means they can hang out, and it would be easier to get her to switch to his congregation. 

 

“Oh no,” she says, smiling and shaking her head. “I’m a practicing witch.” 

 

Ben takes a step back. Rey’s eyes narrow a little. 

 

“I’m not like, going to put a spell on you, or something,” she says. 

 

“No I know,” Ben says, even though he definitely doesn’t know. “I just... uhm. I’ve never met a— you know.”

 

“A witch.” 

 

It sounds ridiculous when she says it, blasphemous and ugly and  _ fake _ . 

 

He  _ desperately _ wants to save her. In that instant, it becomes his singular goal. 

 

“Ben! What a surprise.” His father’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts, and he realizes he’s been staring at Rey, too serious, too creepy. He knows how he comes off, how ugly and intense and off-putting he is. Snoke never lets him forget it. It’s why he’s not allowed to give sermons. 

 

He lets himself be hugged by his dad. 

 

“Hey Dad, just wanted you to take a look at my car.” 

 

“Sure, bring her around back. Still driving the BMW?” 

 

Ben nods. 

 

“Working for that church sure does pay well.” 

 

Ben nods again. This is why he doesn’t come over here. He tries not to let his anger rush through him--Snoke is always telling him how his heart has already rotted out with all of his  _ issues _ and feelings. He says it’s amazing Ben can still receive Jesus’ love, it’s a testament to His goodness that he could even love someone like Ben. 

 

Snoke saw the potential in him so young, but he is nowhere near where he should be. If he plans to take over God’s First Order someday, he has to  _ be better.  _

 

Ben goes and gets his car, bringing it around back. When he gets out, Han is gone again; it’s just Rey. 

 

“He said he can’t possibly think without eating first, but you’ll stay? Won’t you?” She smiles up at him and looks oddly hopeful. Ben finds himself nodding.

 

He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t stay and fraternize with a witch while he’s already on edge from just being near his parents who he  _ wishes _ he could see more, so there’s guilt there, too. His stomach kind of hurts. She’s  _ so _ pretty. 

 

The kitchen smells even better than it did a few minutes ago when he comes inside behind Rey. 

 

She immediately helps Leia set up, reaching for things in cabinets as if it’s her own home. 

 

She must do this a lot, spend time in here. 

 

Ben mumbles something about offering to help but his dad just claps him on the back and asks if he wants a beer-- _ he doesn’t,  _ and his dad knows that. 

 

Ben doesn’t drink, never has. He can hear Snoke’s voice in his head.  _ Your body is a temple. Don’t poison it.  _

 

Rey has a beer. She looks  _ cool _ as she raises it to her lips. 

 

“How old are you?” Ben asks, suddenly unsure she’s even legal to drink. Rey blinks at him over her bottle. 

 

“Turned twenty a few months ago. Why, you gonna tell on me?” She winks at him. For some reason it makes his skin hot. 

 

“N-no I wouldn’t, I’m not like— some— narc,” he shrugs, sounding dorkier than ever. 

 

Rey laughs, but it isn’t mean, it’s—  _ enchanting _ . She looks delighted. 

 

Han snorts. Ben blushes. 

 

“So, has Rey told you yet that she’s a witch?” Leia says. 

 

“She mentioned it,” Ben says, taking a big bite of pot roast so he won’t have to answer for a minute. 

 

“You better watch out Rey,” Han says, “Ben is going to try to save you.” 

 

His tone is mocking. Ben chews. 

 

“Save me, hmm? Well, what if I told you I could save you, too, Ben Solo?” 

 

Ben just chews. There’s no  _ way  _ this girl knows what she’s talking about, but he’s not going to take the bait. He’s not going to prove his father right, even if he is. 

 

Rey smiles easily as Leia asks her about school and she talks about the engineering courses she’s taking. 

 

She’s so smart, Ben is a little surprised. Then he feels bad for being surprised—why shouldn’t she be smart? Just because she’s different? Because she’s a— a  _ witch _ ?

 

Ben eats mostly in silence, trying not to stare at Rey’s arms, or her smile, or her— everything. 

 

He hasn’t ever felt like this. Keyed up just because someone is near him. 

 

He offers to wash all the dishes so he doesn’t have to talk to them for a bit, hoping his dad will just go look at his car and be done with it. 

 

Suddenly Rey is next to him, crowding his space. 

 

“You wash, I’ll dry,” she says with a smile. 

 

Ben swallows, shrugs. He’s so suddenly aware of her presence, desperate for it, that acting causal feels like a stretch, and he’s sure she can tell he’s just a gross, sweaty weirdo. 

 

_ Maybe the best way to save Rey Johnson would be to just stay far away from her.  _

 

But he doesn’t move away, he rinses the dishes and passes them to her, notices her little hands, the symbols tattooed on her fingers. 

 

He has to get out of here— he feels wound tight, tested in some way. 

 

“Are you here a lot?” he asks, wondering if he can avoid her next time. 

 

“Why, you wanna come hang out with me?” She winks again. 

 

“What? N-no, I— that is not—“

 

“Cause I’d be down, if you wanted.” 

 

He hears the blood in his ears.

 

“What?” 

 

“To hang out. With you.” 

 

“Why?”

 

Ben cannot figure out  _ why  _ this girl would want anything to do with him? People like Rey usually run from people like Ben if ever their unlikely paths do cross. 

 

“Your dad talks about you a lot, you seem like a cool guy, you know. Kinda cute, too,” she says with a little smile. 

 

Ben steps back, eyeing her like she’s gone crazy.

 

She’s blushing a little. 

 

“What?” he says again, because his brain isn’t working. He sounds like a blubbering idiot. 

 

She shrugs. “I didn’t mean to freak you out,” she laughs softly. “Sorry, it’s fine. We don’t have to hang out.” 

 

“We could,” Ben says before he can even think, and then he has to clear his throat because his voice sounds so weird. “If you wanted to… we could.” 

 

Rey bites her lip. 

 

“Yeah,” she says. “I’d like that.” 

 

~~~

 

It’s only because he wants to save her. He tells himself that over and over and over. He repeats it in his head as they walk out back to check on the car, as he says goodbye to Han and then to Leia, who loads his arms with Tupperware he  _ has to bring back this week.  _

 

He thinks this time he actually might. 

 

He’s still repeating his little mantra when Rey steps up and hugs him. 

 

She smells so good, like mint and lemon and rain. He blinks rapidly into her hair as he bends to awkwardly hug her back. 

 

Then she winks at him, and turns to walk back into his parents house. 

 

He’s only doing this to save her. That’s it. There is no other reason. 

 

How could there possibly be? 

 

~~~

 

Ben goes home that night and prays. He prays for Rey’s soul, he prays to God to show her the light, he prays to Jesus to open her heart and guide her out of sin. 

 

He presses his face to the floor and he begs God, over and over until tears are running down his face and he can feel the Holy Spirit moving through him. 

 

This is how he knows God is real. He can feel him and it’s overwhelming. 

 

He prays and prays and prays.

 

_ Save her. Keep her from the pits of hell, let her soul find the light and rise to live in the glory of Christ forever. _

 

Heaven without Rey seems like a dark place indeed.

 


	2. two

Ben goes back to his parents house the next day. To return the Tupperware, of course.

 

His mother is delighted, ushering him in and making him sit.

 

She brings him coffee, black, and her eyes shine as she looks at him.

 

“So, tell me the truth. Are you here to see Rey?”

 

Ben plays it super cool, just shrugging causally.

 

“Oh, is she here?”

 

He wasn’t sure she would be, spent all day hoping. He just _really_ wants to save Rey Johnson, that’s all.

 

Leia gives him _a look._

 

“I think she likes you,” she tells him. Ben blushes and sputters.

 

“Okay no offense, but no way I would ever— you know, _date a witch_ .” Even if said witch is, admittedly, absolutely beautiful. “When I do choose a— a _mate_ — I promise you she will be a nice Christian girl, you know— no tattoos or— or— spells and stuff.”

 

Leia sighs sadly, shaking her head.

 

“Well, she’s out back if you want to say hello, although perhaps since she’s just a tattooed heathen, you’d rather not.”

 

Ben is flustered again. He does want to see Rey, realizes he’s dug himself into a hole.

 

“Well, I mean,” he says, shrugging, “it would be rude not to say hi.”

 

“Oh yeah,” Leia deadpans. “The height of impropriety.”

 

Ben doesn’t quite catch the sarcasm, nodding along with even the flimsiest excuse. He chugs the rest of his coffee and the nods awkwardly at his mom and heads outside.

 

He finds Rey with headphones on. Her back is to him, and she’s dancing a little bit.

 

She’s in a white tank top today, the same jean shorts from yesterday, the same boots.

 

Her butt looks good. Ben wonders how it would feel in his hands, or how it would look if she bent over.

 

She turns around and smiles when she sees him.

 

Ben literally jumps, awkwardly bumping into the workbench and sending a box of nails flying. He doesn’t know if he should pick them up. Just stares at them.

 

“Hey,” Rey says, as if she hasn’t noticed how awkward he’s being. As if she’s just happy he’s here.

 

She can’t possibly be. Ben knows he is nothing to this girl except _in the way._

 

“I’m glad you’re here,” she says anyway.

 

“Really?” Ben says, a little too excited, maybe.

 

“Yes, I need some help— this wrench is stuck and I can’t—“ she pulls on it. It doesn’t move.

 

“Oh, sure,” Ben says. He doesn’t want to get grease all over his khakis and if Han was asking, he’d say _no,_ but it’s not Han, it’s Rey. So he rolls up the sleeves of his collared button up—dark green today—and pulls.

 

It’s definitely very stuck. He has to use both hands and brace his foot against the wall, but he manages.

 

He loosens the wrench completely and then presents it back to Rey.

 

“Wow,” she says, taking the tool. “So it’s a lot of church and a lot of CrossFit?”

 

Ben is confused for a second, then his brain catches up.

 

“CrossFit is stupid, unless you like back injuries. But I mean— yeah, I lift.” He shrugs as if it’s not a big deal, but he kind of flexes a little.

 

Rey smiles, one side of her mouth curling up before the other.

 

“Oh yeah, I can tell.”

 

Ben swallows, he has work to do, wanted to talk to Snoke and then pray first at church and later alone. So he says “I should—“ right as Rey says, “I’m starving.”

 

“Oh uh,” he says, “Do you want me to grab you something? I know where Leia hides the Pop-Tarts.”

 

Rey smiles bigger. She has dark lipstick on, dark makeup around her eyes. Does she always wear it like that? Even just to fix cars? Her hands are dirty but her fingers are cute and little, adorned with jewels.

 

“Actually there’s a diner up the road. I’m craving some pie.”

 

“Maz’s, yeah, I could get it for you? If you wanted.”

 

“Or we could go together,” she says. “Sit, talk, eat sugar.”

 

“Oh.” It _would_ be a great opportunity to talk to her about Jesus. “Yeah, sure.”

 

Rey beams.

 

“Great, let me wash my hands and we can go.”

 

Ben lingers awkwardly as Rey washes her hands and pulls on a red and black flannel that is way too big for her. She leaves it open, her tank top is riding up and there’s another tattoo on her hip bone.

 

He steps over the mess of nails as he leads her out to his car.

 

“Fancy,” she says, eyeing the BMW. “Can I drive it?”

 

The short answer is _no._ No one drives Ben’s car but Ben, and certainly not a _witch._ But….

 

“Yeah.” He hands her the keys, and then goes around to the passenger side.

 

Maybe she really did put a spell on him.

 

Rey looks so happy he doesn’t even feel bad. He doesn’t patronize her by asking if she can drive shift. He’s sure that if she couldn’t when Han found her, she can now.

 

And she can. She doesn’t stall the car at all as she pulls out of the driveway and onto the main road.

 

It’s only a few minutes to the diner. Ben used to come here a few times a week as a kid. He hasn’t been back in years.

 

He’s surprised by how unchanged it is, walking through the door and taking in the cracked vinyl seats and the black and white linoleum and the smell of grease and coffee.

 

He could be six years old again.

 

Rey takes his hand, which makes him jump and pull away before he can think better. She gives him a funny smile and nods toward a two-top table.

 

They sit. Ben casts his eyes around for Maz and sees her husband Chewie instead.

 

A waitress he doesn’t know comes to take their order.

 

“A slice of blueberry pie, and a cup of coffee,” Rey says.

 

“Same.”

 

Rey smiles at him as the waiter leaves.

 

Now is the perfect time to talk to her about getting saved, about God’s love and the light of Christ, the bounty of heaven that awaits.

 

But he doesn’t. It’s not really what he wants to talk about first, which is kind of odd.

 

“How did you end up working for my dad?”

 

“Oh,” Rey smiles. “He found me. I actually put up a Craigslist ad because I’d been going through junkyards for _years_ and had quite a collection of valuable parts for cars. He hit me up and I brought some stuff over and he offered me a real job,” she smiles fondly. “Not that I wasn’t making money as a scavenger but, it pays to have steady income.”

 

Ben nods.

 

“So what about before that? Where did you grow up?”

 

“Here and there,” Rey says, a little too flippant. “Foster care.”

 

“That must have been really lonely.”

 

“Yeah, but we get used to lonely, don’t we?”

 

“Yeah,” he says. “I guess we do.”

 

Ben doesn’t know if he’s ever gotten used to it, the loneliness.

 

He pictures little Rey, all her belongings in a trash bag, being shuffled from home to home and his heart breaks.

 

_I know a place where you could be at home forever. I know a place where you will be so loved. I can show you what it feels like. I can take you with me to His Kingdom._

 

Ben swallows, opens his mouth.

 

“Are you going to try and save me now?” she asks.

 

“No,” he lies, and then cringes. “Maybe.”

 

“Hmm,” she hums. Just then their waiter comes over with coffees and pie. Rey smiles her thanks and mixes sugar and creams into her coffee.

 

“I mean, you could come with me one day, to my church, if you want. I know they would accept you.”

 

“Tell me, how does your church feel about queers?”

 

Ben’s eyes narrow. Isn’t that a bad word? Is Rey gay? Does that mean she wouldn’t like him? Not that it matters.

 

“Well,” he shrugs, “everyone is welcome at God’s First Order, but we don’t condone the homosexual lifestyle. God loves the sinner, but not the sin.”

 

“Do you really believe that? That God hates gay people?”

 

“That’s not what I said.”

 

“It is. Because your message isn’t _everyone is welcome here_ it’s _you’re welcome here if you change big things about yourself,_ and personally, I can’t understand wanting to be a part of something that tries to make love smaller, and not bigger.”

 

“Are you gay?” Ben asks, because he doesn’t want to answer her.

 

“Sometimes,” she says with a smile, then she winks. “Not always.”

 

Ben suddenly is picturing Rey with another girl and— he shakes his head. That’s not the right thing to focus on.

 

“We’re not making love smaller— Snoke knows more about God’s love than anyone—“

 

Rey’s eyes narrow and Ben realizes his parents must have talked to her about Snoke.

 

They have always loathed him. This isn’t going at all the way he wants it to, he’s frustrated.

 

“You have no idea what loving God can feel like,” he tells her.

 

“Ben,” she reaches across the table and takes his hand in hers. They’re so little, both of hers can’t cover one of his. “I love God, and I pray and I worship and I listen to what He tells me. It just looks different, that’s all.”

 

Ben narrows his eyes at her.

 

“But you said you’re a— you know,” he lowers his voice to a whisper, “a _witch_.”

 

“I am,” she whispers back. “And I talk to God, a lot of Gods, actually, constantly. Old Gods that people have been worshipping and honoring since they first crawled across the earth. I pray every day, that’s what spell work is. I use my body and I use my heart and I chant and sing and I light candles and anoint them with oil and I speak to the universe and ask for guidance, and it _speaks back to me_.”

 

Ben is confused. It doesn’t sound like the kind of witchcraft he expected.

 

“So you won’t come with me to church,” he says.

 

Rey giggles and squeezes his hand.

 

“I don’t know, is that the only way you’ll hang out with me?”

 

“Of course not,” Ben says, too fast, and then he blushes.

 

He feels giant in the little chair here, his ears are sticking out and they’re bright red and he can see a little grease on his knee and he wants this day to be over.

 

He’s not sure what he expected, for Rey to look up at him and renounce the devil? For her to run into his arms and promise to be a good Christian girl, one he could take back to GFO and to Snoke, someone who could an asset to the church or even one day— maybe be a pastor’s wife.

 

In his mind, Ben is the pastor.

 

Obviously, that’s not what’s happening.  

 

“Does it scare you, what I do?”

 

 _Yes_.

 

“Not really.”

 

She smiles knowingly.

 

“It’s just that I worry— about your soul.”

 

“I have met God,” Rey whispers, “and She told me truths. I am not scared for my soul or yours, Ben. I know you’re good. It isn’t your soul I worry about, it’s your happiness, your freedom.”

 

“I’m happy,” Ben says, a little defensive.

 

“Good. Me too,” she says.

 

“Okay.”

 

He’s so frustrated, doesn’t even want his pie anymore. This whole endeavour is useless.

 

“Do you want wanna hang out again tomorrow?”

 

Her words shock him, he honestly can’t believe it.

 

_Yes._

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I’m having fun.”

 

“You are?”

 

“Yeah,” she says. “You aren’t?”

 

“Oh no— I am. I mean I— sure, I like— being with you—“

 

Ben accidentally knocks over his silverware, making it clatter to the floor.

 

Rey giggles and hands Ben her spoon, using her fork for her pie instead.

 

Ben swallows as he takes it, still blushing.

 

“So tomorrow? You can pick me up after work?”

 

Ben is supposed to help Snoke tomorrow but— he can explain. This is important— it’s someone _soul._

 

Snoke will understand.

 

“Sure,” he says. “Yeah that sounds fun.”

 

~~~

 

He drops Rey back off at his parents since her truck is there.

 

She leans in and gives him a little kiss on the cheek before she gets out of his car and Ben is embarrassingly hard as soon as she’s gone.

 

He’s actually surprised by it. He doesn’t usually get _hard_ in the middle of the day for no reason.

 

 _Not no reason,_ his lizard brain supplies, _good reason. Warm. Soft. Kissing you._

 

He figures his erection will go away, it usually does. Sometimes he wakes up sticky. Very rarely he will take care of it himself, usually in the shower, trying his best to picture a marital bed, sex that is condoned by God, so that Jesus can share in the love they create.

 

Again. Rarely.

 

But he isn’t sure he’s ever been this hard in his life, not even as a teenager.

 

He pulls into his carport and hurries inside, terrified one of his neighbors is going to look out and see the way his pants are tented obscenely.

 

He gets inside and paces around a little. He drinks a glass of cold water. He thinks about his Grandmother, about Jesus on the cross, about dead animals on the side of the road.

 

But the back of his brain is still going _Rey, Rey, Rey, Rey._

 

He thinks about those stupid little shorts.

 

He wonders if they ride up further, if her buttcheeks would be poking out at the bottom, of the denim would ride up into her butt— against her— other private parts.

 

Ben presses a hand against his erection. His penis is so stiff he whimpers.

 

He shouldn’t be doing this. It’s a test, he knows it is and he’s watching himself fail. On top of that— it’s so disrespectful to Rey. God if she knew, she wouldn’t want to spend time with him. Wouldn’t want some weirdo perv picking her up from work.

 

 _Or maybe she would,_ he thinks. _Maybe she likes you._

 

He starts laughing.

 

 _Who could like you?_ It’s Snoke’s voice now. _You’re ugly and weak and an idiot. Not everyone is beautiful, not everyone is smart,_ he would tell Ben, _but those who are not must know their place._

 

Ben swallows thickly. He takes a very, very cold shower, staring at his penis until the blood flow returns to normal and it begins to wilt.

 

He presses his head against the tile, a little nauseous, very frustrated.

 

He cuts the water off and wraps a towel around his waist. Pie for dinner is hardly a solid meal but he isn’t hungry. He makes tea instead, changing into sweatpants as the water boils.

 

He drops a bag in the cup and breaths in the steam, trying to stay calm.

 

He’s going to see Rey again tomorrow. She _wants_ to see him. He can’t remember being this excited about anything since he got saved. He doesn’t know what to make of that.

 

He thinks of her as he sits down on his bed, opens up the Bible he keeps by his bed.

 

He flips it open and lets the pages fall, finger finding a passage at random.

 

He does this a lot when he feels lost.

  


_1 Corinthians 10:13 New International Version (NIV)_   
_  
_13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

 

Temptation.

Ben’s mind wanders back to Rey’s legs. He wonders what her skin feels like. He’s never touched a girl before, not like _that_ , not in a sexual way. Would she like it? Would she ask for more? Want to touch him, too?

 

He’s hard again, and he groans, fisting his hands to keep from touching himself.

 

He turns off the light and grits his teeth, laying on his back, his tea, his Bible and his erection all equally ignored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your feedback means so much to me every comment is like a direct hit of serotonin thank you.


	3. three

 

Ben opens his eyes and sighs, slowly stretching. 

 

He had hoped that his erection would go away overnight, that he would wake up with some relief. 

 

No luck. He’s as hard as a steel rod. Wincing, he reaches for his phone. He has texts from a number he doesn’t recognize. 

 

Rey: hey it’s Rey, your dad gave my your number, hope you don’t mind. 

Rey: are we still on for later? 

 

Ben groans. He has work to do today. 

 

Ben is helping Snoke with a new sermon for  youth group . It’s the only thing that Snoke has even considered letting Ben lead, and he badly wants to. 

 

He wants to help kids the way the church first helped him. 

 

Ben hopes he can get away in time to meet Rey. He’s counting on it.

 

Ben: Yeah definitely. I’ll pick you up from my parents at 6. 

 

She texts back right away.

 

Rey: sounds good

Rey: wish it was 6 already lol 

Rey: wyd? 

 

Ben blinks at his phone, and then down at his tented sweatpants. 

 

He’s so hard he has no brain blood left. 

 

Ben: just woke up 

 

Rey:  same. i’m still in bed. so lazy. 

 

She sends him a picture and Ben has to squeeze his eyes shut. 

 

It’s just her legs, tangled in the white sheet of her bed, sunlight streaming through her window. Her skin is so tan, her legs marked by a handful of dark and twisting tattoos. 

 

Ben: You look comfy. 

 

Rey: could be worse. could be better…. lol 

 

Ben’s dick twitches. He shouldn’t be doing this, it’s definitely  _ so  _ inappropriate but he really can’t help it.

 

He slides a hand down into his sweats and touches himself. 

 

It’s so intense it’s almost painful, just laying hands on himself. He whimpers. 

 

He has the picture of Rey open on his phone, her  _ legs.  _

 

He just wants to feel her skin. That’s all he can think about, 

 

It’s nothing  _ gross _ just the image of his hands on her legs, how much skin he could cover with one, what it would be like to trace the colorful tattoos on her thighs. 

 

His hand moves between his legs. He’s never been good at this, can’t toe the line between pleasure and pain, waits too long and pushes it too far. He squeezes himself too hard, his hand rough and the friction raw. 

 

Ben looks at the picture again, knows that if his hands  _ were _ on her legs, he could easily move them further up— between them, even— where she must be— must have— a—

 

Ben cums in a rough burst, his orgasm sharp and immediate. He grunts as ropes of white hit his belly and chest. 

 

He immediately feels  _ awful _ . Just  _ so _ low. 

 

He covers his face with his hands and tries to catch his breath, fighting down the wave of nausea that always comes when he does this. 

 

Sure enough, he feels sick just a moment later, has to sit up and put his head between his knees and breathe. 

 

It’s worse than normal because it’s not just some nebulous fantasy, it’s  _ Rey _ , whom he has to see later.  

 

He gets out of bed to go shower, trying not to his mood darken further. 

 

~~~

 

He skips breakfast and prays instead. This time for himself. 

 

~~~

 

“Going somewhere?”

 

It’s just after five and Ben has finished up every task Snoke set to him. He looks up to find the old man standing in his doorway. 

 

“I have plans,” he says lightly, hoping that his mentor won’t pry. 

 

“Again,” he says. “You’ve been a busy boy.” 

 

Ben has no idea how much Snoke knows. It feels it’s entirely possible that he knows everything, including who Rey is and what Ben did in bed this morning. 

 

“You look guilty as sin itself,” Snoke growls. “Who is she?” 

 

“Just— someone I want to save.” 

 

It isn’t a lie. Not really. Snoke sneers. 

 

“Whoever she is, either she comes with to church tomorrow, or you don’t see her anymore, do you understand?  Do not let your arrogance blind you.  _ You _ are not the instrument of salvation, Benjamin. No one comes to our Lord unless the Father calls them. We’re not counting the souls of pretty girls like notches on our belts.”

 

Ben winces at the analogy. 

 

“You’re wasting your time. She’s probably using you for something. Although I can’t imagine what.”

 

Snoke comes closer to Ben, touches the side of his face with a pitying scowl. 

 

“Not very attractive, not very smart.  _ Not _ funny. Awkward as the day is long— I can’t imagine she sees anything in you. In fact, I’d be very careful no one is playing a trick on you.”

 

Ben thinks about it. Rey does know his parents, would they put her up to this? Make her pretend to like him to get him away from Snoke and the church and his  _ life _ ? 

 

He feels dread settle heavy inside of him. 

 

“You’re right,” he tells Snoke. “Don’t worry about me.” 

 

“A shepherd always worries about his flock,” Snoke says, sticky sweet, “especially in a world full of wolves.” 

 

~~~

 

Ben almost just goes home. He’s shaking by the time he gets into his car. 

 

Snoke has always warned him about his parents, about how they were never going to be able to guide him into God’s light, about how generational sin was passed down through their blood and onto him, marking him as filthy, as closer to the devil. He worked so hard to prove to Snoke that they had no hold on him, that he didn’t need them, that he would choose God, choose Jesus, choose  _ Snoke  _ over all of them. 

 

And yet here he goes, falling back into their trap. Just like the stupid, ugly idiot that he is. 

 

He almost just goes home, but then he decides he wants to confront her. To hear it for himself. 

 

He rolls his neck and flexes his fingers on the steering wheel. 

 

He doesn’t go inside, pulls his car all the way around the back and waits. 

 

He sees his dad wave and  _ wink at him  _ before he sees Rey. 

 

She— she put on a little dress. It’s black and short sleeved and it falls to mid thigh, flows all around in the breeze. 

 

She got dressed up. To hang out with him. 

 

Ben isn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. None of this is even real. 

 

But Rey is real. He can feel her weight shift the car, can smell her perfume and under that— gasoline, baby powder. 

 

“Hi,” she says, and she’s looking at him like— like— 

 

“Hey,” he says, and there’s no anger. No tension. “What do you wanna do?” 

 

He realizes he has no plan beyond accosting her and demanding answers and now that she’s next to him and he’s a little calmer, he feels even more like an idiot. 

 

Self-hatred is a knot in his stomach. 

 

“Actually I was hoping we could go by my place. I have to feed the bird.” 

 

“Sure, just tell me which way.”

 

She does, in between telling him about the classes she’s taking at Tulane and what she had for lunch and about how she saw a giant black cat earlier and it reminded her of him. 

 

Ben’s heart is racing. 

 

He can see her legs, poking out under her dress and just as tan and smooth and toned as they were in the picture she sent. 

 

They pull into a parking lot alongside a squat, Cold War era apartment complex.

 

“Come on,” Rey says, jumping out of his car.

 

He follows her up a shoddy outdoor staircase and down a stucco hallway. She unlocks a door and lets him in. 

 

There are a lot of plants, that’s the first thing he notices. Some are hanging in pots all from the ceiling, some on little shelves, some are tied and dried above the windowsill.

 

There are other shelves with candles and crystals and bits of paper, wax, string, seashells, bones. 

 

It’s a studio, but it’s spacious, and the bed is cornered, leaving room for a velvet, Victorian-looking couch and a spidery wooden coffee table. There are three whole cases of books. Some of them are spell books. 

 

This is the home of a witch. 

 

It is absolutely beautiful. 

 

“I wanted you to see how I worship, too.” 

 

Ben is shaking a little. 

 

He turns to Rey.

 

“Did my parents make you do this? Did they— pay you? Or something?” 

 

Rey blinks in confusion. 

 

“What?” she croaks. 

 

“All of this, spending time with me— why are you doing it?” 

 

“I don’t understand,” she says softly. “I like spending time with you— we’re getting to know each other.” 

 

Ben narrows his eyes at her, she looks like she’s going to cry. Like she can’t believe what he’s saying, like _ he  _ somehow hurt  _ her.  _ Ben feels like the worst person in the world. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m so sorry it’s— Snoke, my pastor he— he said something.” 

 

Ben sits down on the couch. He’s confused, and he feels sick now, it’s hard to get air in his lungs. 

 

“Hey,” Rey says, and she’s right next to him, her small hand is on his back, she’s  _ touching _ him. “It’s okay, tell me, Ben. What did he say?” 

 

“He just pointed out you know, my parents have been trying to get me away from GFO for a decade and he knows that, and then you show up and you’re—“ Ben laughs a little, looking at Rey. “ _ Temping _ .” 

 

Rey blushes a little, licks her lips. 

 

“And he just— he pointed out that a girl like you, any girl really, but especially someone outside the church, with an education and her own beliefs and who is so, so— you know—“ Ben looks helplessly at her legs again. “And I’m— me. Even if we did have things in common I’m— I’m an idiot, and I’m ugly, and there’s no reason you would be talking to me without— I don’t know what. Something more than I have to offer you, surely.” 

 

“Oh Ben,” Rey says, and her eyes are full of tears. “He really fucked you up, huh?” 

 

“What?” 

 

Rey’s hands are suddenly on his face, and he is both thrilled and terrified at the idea that maybe she will kiss him. 

 

“No one thinks you’re stupid, no one thinks your ugly, least of all me. Snoke says those things because it keeps you next to him. It controls you, manipulates you. Men like Snoke are not good men, Ben. They live in mansions and drive new, expensive cars while the poor and the sick rot. He donates money to politicians who have racist agendas, who will keep brown children sick and uneducated while the megachurches continue operating tax-free. God is real, Ben. But he does not live in Snoke’s house.” 

 

“Why are you doing this,” Ben says, and he sounds desperate, even to his own ears. 

 

“Because I like you. I liked you before I met you. Saw the pictures your mom kept around and damn near died blushing the first time I saw your face. I  _ stuttered _ , thought you were the hottest guy I’d ever seen.” 

 

Ben gapes at her. 

 

“Your mom would tell me stories and your dad too and you just seemed wild and witty and interesting. And then I met you, and you’re so— adorable. And you  _ listen to me  _ in a way I’m not used to. Like what I have to say is important. And your ears turn red when you get flustered and it’s— it’s so cute.” 

 

Ben hasn’t breathed at all, and he exhales in a shaky puff. 

 

“And because I know what these places are like, and I know what it’s like to feel alone. But let me tell you, Ben, you’re better than that. You’re better than those who hate and lie and control and crush. You know it, I know it.” 

 

Rey is so close to him, he can feel the heat from her body. He feels high, maybe, he wouldn’t know, but it’s something. Intense and overwhelming and _too_ _much_. He wants to grab her, wants to crush her against his body, wants to be inside of her and also far away from her. 

 

_ It’s too much.  _

 

Ben stands, legs shaking. 

 

“I have to go,” he says. “I— I don’t feel well, I’m sorry I—“ 

 

“Ben?” her voice sounds so worried.

 

He can’t be here. He heads for the door in a blind crawl, flinging himself out of her apartment. He sucks down huge gulps of air but it doesn’t seem to help, he rushes down the stairs and into the parking lot, his whole body shaking. 

 

He can’t think about the fact that Rey made sense. He can’t think about the fact that he walked away from her. He can’t think about how Snoke was wrong, how Rey actually really just…  _ likes _ him. 

 

He can’t, or he will crumble. 

 

He gets into his car and pulls out of the lot, driving away from Rey as fast as he can.   
  



	4. four

Ben drives right to Snoke’s house.

 

He is _so_ confused because Rey’s words make sense and that terrifies him.

 

He isn’t sure what he wants from his mentor, what he expects.

 

“Benjamin,” Snoke says when he opens the door. He can smell food cooking, can see Mrs. Snoke in the kitchen. “This is a surprise.”

 

Snoke leads Ben into the house, and then into his study.

 

“I’m guessing I was right—it turned out your little girlfriend was setting a trap.”

 

“No,” Ben says, shaking his head. “No she— she really likes me, and I really like her too.” He smiles, because he can’t say this without smiling. “I want to— I want to get to know her. She has all these ideas and I— I just want to spend a little time with her. I think if you just let me try—“

 

“No.”

 

“What?”

 

“I absolutely forbid it. There is no reason for you to be hanging around with someone who will only pull you further from God’s light. If she didn’t agree to join our congregation, you are not to see her again.”

 

Ben’s eyes narrow.

 

“Thomas, please, hear me out. I feel like God has put her in my path for a reason, maybe to save her, maybe to broaden my mind or my knowledge in some way I’m not sure but I just _know_ that I am being called to her. I just need a little time, what I want is to—“

 

“To fall under the spell of a _witch_ .”  Snoke spits out the last word. Ben blinks up at at Snoke. “Oh, did you think I wouldn’t find out?” he continues. “I did a little _research_ myself. Were you even going to tell me? You have been lying to me, to _God_? ‘See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ’ or have you already strayed so far from His light?”

 

“No that’s not— I thought just I could— I just want to—” Ben stutters over his words, scared and feeling worse by the second.

 

He cannot remember why he came here.

 

“It doesn’t matter what you _want_ , you pathetic piece of shit. Do you have any idea what I’ve done for you?” Snoke is angry; he’s talking so hard that spit flies out.

“The sacrifices I’ve made to help someone as disgusting, as _stupid_ and _slow_ as you? Benjamin, you really are dumber than you are ugly, and that’s saying something.”

 

Ben steps back. It’s not new, what Snoke is saying, but it feels less true than it normally does with Rey’s words also echoing in his head.

 

He feels sick, his faith is shaken badly, his image of Snoke and of God so tied up in one another he feels like the Holy Spirit himself is berating him.

 

Has Snoke been lying to him? All this time he thought he was trying to help…

 

“Don’t fall from God’s light, Ben. I can see you backsliding and it’s dangerous. You’re _so worthless_ on your own. Nothing without me. It was only me who recognized the potential in you, the power. No one else understands you. Don’t throw away my affection.”

 

Ben doesn’t want to be here. He feels like he’s waking up from a really long, really awful dream.

 

“I have to go,” he says.

 

Snoke slaps him.

 

Ben is so surprised that he cries out, even though the pain itself is minimal.

 

“If you walk out that door you will burn in the pits of Hell. God will _never_ forgive you.”

 

“I’m pretty sure,” Ben says slowly, “that you don’t speak for God.”

 

And with that, he turns his back on Snoke and walks out of his house.

 

~~~

 

Ben means to drive home, he really does, it’s just that his body has other ideas. He drives right to Rey’s.

 

He’s up those crappy stairs and knocking on her door before he can think better of it.

 

He looks like an idiot, a worthless piece of shit crying like a loser when Rey opens the door and he’s suddenly _mortified_ at his decision to come here, almost turns around and walks away again.

 

But her hands are on his and she’s tugging softly. Her apartment is warm, it smells like mint and jasmine. The sun has gone down now, and the room is lit by Christmas lights strung around the ceiling and a lot of candles on shelves.

 

He can hear Jeopardy on in the background.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whimpers, “for running before and for coming back now. I can go if you want.”

 

“I don’t want you to go,” Rey says, and she’s _touching him_ with her hands on his arms and his chest and he’s _really_ shaking. “What happened?”

 

Ben sobs, looking up at the ceiling to try and pull himself together.

 

“I feel like I just woke up, and all I wanna do is go back to sleep. But it’s like when your dream doesn’t make sense, and the more you try to put words to it the less sense it makes.”

 

Rey nods, small hands on his biceps, his shoulders, touching his face and his hair.

 

“I just— I just had questions and he— he told me if I left I couldn’t c-come b-back.”

 

Ben backs away from Rey and covers his face. He sinks down on the floor, head in his hands.

 

“Baby,” she whispers, and her mouth is right against his ear, she’s on the floor too. He can feel the heat of her breath and the touch of her lips. “You’re okay, you're safe here.”

 

Ben cannot believe he’s having this emotional breakdown in front of the only girl he's ever wanted. He knows he’s friendzoning himself, cementing his place as a loser in her mind forever, but right now he can’t care.

 

He doesn’t need to look cool right now, as if that was even an option.

 

He needs a friend.

 

“I thought I had it so figured out, Rey. Now I feel like an idiot and I am… _terrified_.”

 

“I know,” she whispers, she hasn’t stopped touching him.

 

He looks over at her, really taking her in for the first time since he walked in the door. She’s not in her dress anymore, she’s in an oversized black T-shirt and— Christ is she even wearing pants? Maybe shorts? They’re too small for him to see. She has no makeup on and her hair is in a messy little bun on her head and _oh_ — he wants to kiss her. He wants to kiss her _so badly._ He can’t help thinking that if he got to kiss Rey, even just once, it would all be worth it.

 

It’s insanity. He’s a mess, he’s _upset._

 

He’s not too upset for his penis to twitch, apparently.

 

Ben looks away, terrified by this too.

 

“Ben,” she calls his eyes back to her face. “Listen to me okay? I’m really proud of you, like _so proud of you_ you have no idea. You just did something that is so hard, and you don’t need to do anything else tonight, okay?”

 

Ben tries to curb his crying but his eyes won’t cooperate. He nods.

 

“You do not have to give up God, sweetheart. I promise you, I will help you find a place where you can keep your faith, your relationship with God and with Jesus. I promise you. That’s not what you’re losing today, okay?”

 

Ben chokes out an insane little half laugh and nods. He feels lost and confused but also anchored; Rey’s words, Rey’s hands.

 

“I wanted so badly to be special.” His voice is laced with derision. “He told me I was unique, that I was _chosen_ and I believed him. I wanted so badly to be important— and it’s all a lie. It was always just one person using me and I— I hate this. _So_ much.”

 

“Ben, you _are_ special. You _are_ important. To your mom and your dad and to God and you know— to _me_ , too, really—”

 

Ben leans over and kisses Rey. He’s never kissed anyone in his life. He can’t spend another second not kissing her.

 

It’s chaste, just lips against lips and probably not very good, but she makes this cute like _oh_ sound and her hands are on his face, pulling him closer.

 

Rey tastes good. Her lips are so soft when they open against his. He has no idea what he’s doing but he _wants_ so fiercely. He lets his lips move against hers, mouthing at her as if searching for something, as if he could drink her down in sips.

 

Rey makes another noise and suddenly she swings herself up into his lap. He grabs her hips on instinct, partly to guide her, partly to make sure she doesn’t settle her weight on his lap because if she does she’s going _feel things_ that will probably make her run screaming.

 

 _No one will ever want you like that,_ says Snoke's voice.

 

But Rey does settle, she presses herself against him and Ben hisses, looking away from her, blushing and muttering “Sorry,” as she situates herself on him.

 

“Is this okay? I didn’t— I don’t want to—“

 

“Don’t want to what?” Ben asks, fearing the answer, fearing the moment she looks at him with disgust.

 

“Scare you away,” she admits quietly.

 

“Rey,” he says gently. “There is nowhere else I want to be right now— I mean, obviously,” he tilts his head toward his lap. “I’m just sorry I— I can’t help it—“

 

“You’re apologizing for being hard?” She sounds incredulous.

 

He can’t believe she _said that._ Ben nods, Rey kisses him. She moves a little bit in his lap and his hands tighten on her hips.

 

“I like that I can feel you,” she tells him. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. I like that you like me. We don’t have to do anything, Ben, we can just kiss like this, if you want.”

 

_Want._

 

Ben kisses Rey as she rocks against him. He puts his hands on her thighs and he has to pull back to watch his pale skin over her darker, tanned legs.

 

“Your legs are perfect.”

 

She smiles at him as he runs his hands over her.

 

“I like that you’re touching them,” she tells him. “Your hands are— really nice. So big.”

 

She takes one of his massive hands and brings it to her lips, kissing his knuckles.

 

Ben watches her, fascinated, and then he leans up and kisses her again. He opens his mouth a little, one hand cupping her face, he runs a finger over the shell of her ear and she shivers.

 

“You’re so pretty,” he tells her, and he blushes just from saying the words.

 

“You’re fucking adorable,” she says, and he blushes harder at her curse. It’s… hot. Hearing her say that. _The F-word._

 

Ben swallows thickly and tucks his head into her neck, breathing her in. He has no idea what to do here but as his hands move further up he realizes that no, Rey is not wearing shorts, she must be in only her underwear.

 

His penis is so erect, it’s becoming painful, and without thinking he shifts again, pushing up against Rey.

 

He finds friction, makes a little sound into her mouth and does it again before getting ahold of himself and stopping.

 

They’re on the floor, against the back of the couch, and he lets his head fall back as he tries to catch his breath.

 

“Sorry,” he says again.

 

“I like it,” Rey tells him, and this time her hips chase his, pressing down on him.

 

He grips her hip and looks up into her eyes. He cannot believe this is happening. He _should not_ be doing this, he’s not thinking clearly— or maybe he finally is.

 

He feels himself slipping and the further he falls the harder it is to get back up, the less he even wants to.

 

He holds her as she moves against him a little bit, blinking back tears.

 

This alone already feels better than anything he’s ever done to himself.

 

He rubs himself against her, his penis is caught against the leg of his khakis and and it’s right against her— _her_ _vagina_ , which feels _so_ warm. _Hot_ , even.

 

He wants to stay like this, building up to something— an orgasm, he knows— but it feels entirely new.

 

Ben has to suck in a sharp little breath every time Rey rocks against him.

 

“That feels— really good,” he tells her, his voice is shaky and low, why is it so low?

 

Rey leans down and kisses his neck, nibbling on the tender skin there as she moves her hips.

 

“Do you want me to touch you?” she asks.

 

“You are?” Ben says, confused.

 

“Do you want me to touch your cock?”

 

Ben sputters, he’s never even heard someone say that word.

 

“What? My— I mean— do you want to touch my... me?”

 

“Yes,” she says with a smile, her eyes look like they were drawn by a Disney animator. She’s literally unreal. “Touch you, taste you, feel you. Whatever you want to give me baby. Even this would be enough. Whatever you want.”

 

Ben whimpers.

 

Rey, like a light in all of this darkness, like the only thing in the world that makes sense. He feels like he’s finding God all over again. Maybe he is, maybe this is what God wants, for him to be seen and loved and held softly, instead of berated and tricked. He had been just a kid when Snoke found him.

 

He isn’t a kid now.

 

“All of it,” he tells her. “I want all of it.”

 

~~~

 

They move to her bed. Rey is in fact wearing underwear, little red booty shorts with the actual devil symbol on it, the upsidedown star in a circle. He recoils when she sees it but when she tells hims it’s a protection symbol, sacred and safe, meant to bind negative things, and that’s why it’s sometimes seen in demon summoning rituals, to protect to summoner.

 

This is a lot and he has to sit on the edge of her bed, but then again, the shock of seeing the little symbol, a _pentagram_ as Rey had said, was nothing to the shock of seeing _Rey’s underwear_.

 

He could see the shape of her vagina, the puffy lips stretching the fabric.

 

He’s got his feet on the floor, sitting on the edge of the bed looking up at her when she comes to stand between his legs.

 

She takes his hand and moves it between her legs, over her underwear.

 

She’s hot, which he knew from when she was against him earlier, and damp, which he didn’t know until now. Slick, soaked.

 

“Oh,” his mind kind of whites out and just like that he’s as hard as he’s ever been. He presses her, digging into her vagina with the panties and his fingers and Rey lets him play with her, even though she isn’t reacting the way he would if she touched his penis.

 

He leans closer, trying to smell her better, he wants to press his whole face right where his fingers are and that is so mortifying. He doesn’t want her to know what his body and his mind and even his heart want right now, but when she pulls away he tries to casually smell his fingers and he shivers.

 

Then Rey sinks down to her knees.

 

She’s looking up at him as she unbuttons his slacks and tugs them open.

 

Then she’s reaching down into his briefs, pulling his erection out. Her little hand, tan and warm and rough, squeezes him and just like that— he orgasms.

 

He doesn’t see it coming, cannot stop it or even warn her. He just comes, muscles straining and face turning red as he squirts onto her hand and his thigh.

 

He is so embarrassed, he wants to die, and that’s before he even comes down.

 

As soon as he is finished he pushes her away, moving back and tucking himself away, bracing for the nausea that always follows an orgasm.

 

It comes, along with a wave of guilt, he can feel it— hot and heavy inside of him, pressing him.

 

_Dirty, gross, embarrassing._

 

“Whoa hey,” Rey looks startled, she follows him as he moves back, pulling his knees to his chest. “Ben, Ben, baby talk to me, what’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?”

 

“No— no I just— that always makes me sick.”

 

“Oh,” Rey whimpers, and she’s against him again and instead of making everything worse her touch seems to wash away his feelings of panic and shame, everywhere her hands touch becomes lighter.

 

She kisses his face.

 

“Honey, you did exactly what I wanted you to, I wanted to make you feel good. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Ben I didn’t know— we don’t have to— I’m sorry.”

 

“No, it’s not you it’s me I’m— broken, or something.”

 

“No,” she whispers, “you’re just fine. You have nothing to feel bad about. Your body is wonderful, and what you did was _natural_ , and I _loved_ the way you looked. Beautiful.”

 

It doesn’t sound like a lie when she says it, which makes the least sense of any of this so far.

 

“You mean you don’t want me to— to _go_ now.”

 

“Hell no,” Rey says, “I am nowhere near done with you.”

 

And with that she lifts her shirt off, exposing her small, round breasts.

 

Ben’s limp and sticky penis twitches.

 

Rey touches her chest, pinching one of her nipples.

 

“Do you wanna touch?”

 

Ben nods. He’s still clothed, pants undone but penis hidden. He reaches over and rubs his thumb over her little nipple. Rey shivers when he does so. He does it again. And again.

 

“So pretty,” he whispers.

 

“It feels really good when you touch me,” she tells him and Ben groans, moving to pull her closer, so he can kiss her and paw at her breasts.

 

He’s getting hard again, he didn’t even know that was possible.

 

Rey, in just those red panties, starts tugging at his clothes, pulling off his polo, pushing down his khakis. He’s in just his briefs before he knows what’s happening.

 

“Is this okay?”

 

“Yes,” and he means it.

 

Rey rolls them, pulling his shoulders until he is on top of her.

 

He lines himself up against her and their cloth covered genitals brush against each other, making him shiver and her moan. She locks her legs around his hips to keep him close as she kisses him. Rey pushes her own underwear down.

 

He looks at her, pushing up on his knees to spread her legs and _look_ because he wants to see so badly, before he realizes how gross that is and he blushes, turning his head.

 

“You can look, touch, whatever you wanna do,” she tells him, running a hand through his hair and then laying back and opening her legs.

 

Ben is overwhelmed, but he can’t say no to an offer like that. He pushes her knees further apart and watches the way she splits open, sticky and pink.

 

He runs a hand down her center, parting her further so he can try and see inside. There is a hole there, he knows that’s where he’s going to enter her body. He leans down and kisses it.

 

Rey twitches under him and _oh how he likes that._

 

He mouths at her vagina, licking her up and down until he finds a place that makes her grab his hair and hold him still.

 

He licks it again, again, again, until she’s twitchy and whining and tugging him up by his hair.

 

She kisses him, using her feet to push his briefs down, off, until there’s nothing between them, and then she puts her hand on him to guide him.

 

“Your dick is big, so go slow. It’s gonna be tight.”

 

He isn’t sure if that’s dirty talk or sex instructions but he’s incredibly glad that he already came once, he’d be done for otherwise.

 

Rey helps him, and together they push the thick head of his penis inside of her.

 

It’s already _so_ tight, he blinks down her.

 

“I won’t fit,” he says, distraught.

 

“ _Shhh_ , you will, I can take you, watch, Ben watch.”

 

Ben leans back to watch as Rey pushes up against him inch by inch, panting and biting her lip.

 

She does take him, she takes all of him, and as soon as he’s all the way inside of her, stretching her more than he ever dreamed, she starts to orgasm.

 

She looks surprised, clutches onto him and whispers “I’m coming, oh my god, I’m coming.”

 

Ben rocks his hips, more on instinct than to help her but it _does_ help her because she cries out and he feels her vagina _squeeze_ around his him.

 

“Shit,” he grunts.

 

Rey blinks up and him and smiles, wide and bright, panting for breath.  

 

“You cursed!”

 

“What?”

 

“I’ve never heard you say a bad word that was— really hot.” Ben blushes, which is ridiculous because he’s _having sex with Rey_ so cursing shouldn’t matter.

 

He slowly pulls back and then shifts forward again and Rey’s face goes serious and scrunched up. He keeps doing it and he can tell she’s getting aroused again, he watches it happen. She’s writhing under him after a minute and squeezing him and kissing him and _this_ —nothing could be better than _this._ It burns brighter than the sun inside of him, a feeling so big he could be swallowed by it.

 

His second orgasm doesn’t sneak up on him, it builds slowly; tight and hot in his belly until it tips him over the edge. He feels tears sting his eyes as his mind goes blank and his toes curl.

 

When he catches his breath he realizes he’s pressed Rey all the way into the mistress and fisted her sheets so hard they’ve come loose from the mattress.

 

“Sorry I—“ he’s waiting for the nausea, the pain. It doesn’t come. Instead, Rey stops his words with a kiss.

 

“Perfect, perfect,” she tells him, and then she’s rolling them, petting his hair, peppering his face with kisses and whispering praise.

 

Ben is crying, hot, silent tears, but he isn’t sad. He doesn’t regret what they’ve done.

 

He feels saved, reborn in her arms, through her love, and so he lets it wash over him again and again and again.

  
  


_Six Months Later_

  
  


Ben pulls into his parents driveway just as the sun is sinking.

 

He goes into the house to say hi to his mom, who ruffles his hair and gushes for the thousandth time about how happy she is that he’s not at God’s First Order anymore and how _calm_ and _content_ he always looks now.

 

Ben allows it without fuss. She spent a long time missing him, he can see that now.

 

Leaving GFO is both so fast and painstakingly slow.

 

He never goes back after his fight with Snoke, but Snoke’s voice doesn’t fade right away.

 

But whenever he hears his old mentor in his head he turns to Rey in his arms and it clears away more of the fog, more of the confusion.

 

Leia finally lets him slip out the back door.

 

“Hey babe,” Rey says when she sees him, face lighting up. She saunters over and kisses him, keeping her hands out to the sides like airplane wings so she won’t get grease on him.

 

He’s in new clothes. Tan cords, a plain black long sleeve shirt. He looks _cooler_ but still kind of the same, Which Rey said is the whole point of clothes.

 

“Let me wash up and we can go.”

 

She smiles at him and skips off, leaving him with justbhis dad. Han hands Ben beer. Ben takes it.

 

“Washing up doesn’t mean the same thing for women as it does for men, get comfortable,” Han says. Ben just smiles into his beer. His father looks at him and says, “She’s a good one, though.”

 

“The best.”

 

It only takes Rey a few minutes to de-grease and throw on a dress, Ben isn’t even done with his beer when she comes back, grabbing him for a proper kiss. Han can’t even pretend to be upset, he looks downright smitten with the whole spectacle. Ben’s working on not feeling guilty about that— how much his parents missed him.

 

“You kids have fun tonight,” Han says as they climb into Ben’s car.

 

Rey fiddles with the radio, while Ben drives.

 

Fifteen minutes later they’re pulling up to a little blue house with brightly lit windows. The sun has just disappeared over the hill.

 

“You brought the food, right?”

 

“Yes, I managed to do the one thing you asked, surprising as that maybe,” Ben says teasingly and Rey smirks and kisses him. Ben carries in the two trays of food, casseroles that Rey made the night before. Rey has the free hand to ring the bell and a second later the door swings open.

 

Finn Jackson, a dark skinned man about Rey’s age beams at them.

 

“Finally! Get in here.” The house is full of smiling faces and music. “Let me take those, you guys grab a drink and get settled.”

 

Ben knows all of these faces now, has spent time with them, learned from them.

 

A day after they first _do it_ Rey introduces him to Finn, the pastor of a small church he ran with his husband, a man named Poe Dameron who has a great sense of humor and a horrible poker face. He becomes one of Ben’s closest friends very quickly.

 

Ben never dreamed he could be part of such an accepting, loving community. That he could keep his core values and still be able to feel _good_ about himself but also other people, his friends, the world.

 

It doesn’t matter that Rey is a witch because he loves her, and so he helps her dry her herbs and light her candles just like she helps him find bible verses for tough days and makes casseroles for his church gatherings.

 

Looking out at all of their faces, seeing laughter and love coexist beautifully alongside praise and worship is beyond what Ben could have hoped for before, and as Rey slides her small hand into his he knows that he _is_ important, that he _is_ special.

 

That he is so, so, _so_ very loved.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a weird week. Thanks for the outpouring of support you guys. This fandom is my church. Let me know what you think of this ending. I was feeling SOFT about it. Thanks again for all the love.

**Author's Note:**

> If you don't already, follow me on [tumblr](http://r-e-a-l-m-a-t-h.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/violethoure666)


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